New Moon: The Journey of Manhood

So today, my mother came up to me and said, "Hey, wanna go see New Moon today? Don't think of that as an offer as much as a command." So I looked up the movie times, and saw that The Blind Side was also playing. So I went, thinking that I could get away with a last minute change. So when we were about 10 minutes away from the theatre, I mentioned that The Blind Side was playing. My mother, being the generous person she was, told me that I could go and see The Blind Side if I wished. Then, she pulled her deceitul tricks. At the movie theatre, she asked me which movie I wanted to see. I told her "The Blind Side". She then told the worker, "Hi. I'd like 4 tickets for New Moon". She then told me, "You can go to whichever one you want, but the candy and popcorn go to New Moon." So, being deceived by my mother and popcorn, I walked into the Teenage Girl Abyss. Here's how the movie went (from what I saw).

First, I sat through trailers for various chick flicks that only girls and their reluctant boyfriends would ever see. Then, I went to the bathroom. When I came back, a girl was giving Cat Stevens a hug on screen. Then a bunch of awful writing/acting occured before my eyes, before there was a fight scene between two members of a gay pride parade. The fighting was very Gay-Matrixy. The Gaytrix. I then went to the bathroom again. When I came back, the pale guy broke up with the chick with awful acting. She then walked around like she was a zombie (Without the gore :( ). She then started hanging out with Cat Stevens. I walked to the bathroom again. When I came back, Cat Stevens turned into an angsty David Archuleta. Then, he turned into an awfully animated wolf, and attacked Bob Marley, and some random chick with Rodman-Esqur hair started running around. Then suddenly, the chick realized that she sucked at acting so she jumped off a cliff, and the Rodman chick disappeared in the water. (I have a theory at this is a Cat Stevens trip.) Then, David Archuleta saved bad acting chick. Then, they all went to Rome to save vampire-Harvey Milk. Harvey took off his shirt, and his extremely displaced nipples showed. (Left nipple=a lot higher and bigger than the right nipple). Then, I went to the bathroom again. When I got back, they were all in with a bunch of gay French guys. After more Gaytrix fighting, they all walked out in the anticlimatic ending. Then, there was another 10 minutes of her debating whether she should be a vampire or not. Then, Harvey and David had a fight, to which the angsty David left angstily. Harvey then shocked the world and proved he was straight by asking the GIRL to marry him. At that point I couldn't help but scream, "Cedric Diggory!!".

And now for my review. Many of you are confused as to why I admire Edward and hate the movie. While Mr. Cullen is a good key for telling what the modern woman finds attractive, I do belive that he would do better in a different setting, IE not in a world that sets the bar so high for a guy such as me. I do not think that he should be in a film that the average man hates so much. So while I support Edwards attractivenessity, I do not support his actions. Also, Jacob is 10 years old and has a photoshopped body. So I will continue to admire and envy Edward Cullen, but I will not support his teenage lifestyle.

So overall? Cat Stevens on Roids+Gay Vampires-Everyone thinking you're straight= 11 out of 10 stars. Highly reccomend it.


Michael Xavier Youd